I’ve been wanting to blog about patience for a few weeks now, but I just haven’t been able to find the words to say.  Making the blanket statement that being patient is tough and trying is news to no one, including me, but I’ve found that life has taught me a lot of lessons in patience over the past few weeks.  I would argue that my lessons have mainly come from observing how some of my friends are coping with some challenging situations in their life, but I’ve also had a few insights of my own.

I, like many other folks, seek instant gratification in all things.  I just naturally think things are going to go my way, when I want them to, but I’ve learned that patience is developed by going through some challenging life experiences.  And until one is able to accept and be at peace with whatever the end result turns out to be, there’s still more to learn.

I have a few friends who have lost jobs over the past 2 years.  Thankfully, I’ve never had that experience, so I can’t truly to relate to what they are going through.  I believe I would absolutely lose my mind if I were in their shoes…I’m single, one income, rent, car payment, gas and electric bill, cell phone bill, and the list goes on…I struggle to fathom in my human mind how I would cope with or respond to such a situation.  Yet, my friends have responded with amazing poise.  Whereas, I would be angry, complaining, and worried about how I was going to make it without moving back home with my folks, they’ve remained calm.  One friend in particular has been such an encouragement to my soul.

Despite losing his job under what some would call unfair circumstances, he has stood firm in his faith.  When door after door seems to remain closed in his life, he has never once spoken negatively about everything that is going on, rather his responses have been, “My God has never failed me yet, so I know He will come through” and “I don’t know what God is doing on my behalf, but I trust Him”.  Wow…what patience!  I just don’t have it in me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need it.  Frankly, I pray that one day I’ll have a compassionate response like this to the challenges of life…but I’m not there just yet.

I find myself at a place in life where my patience with God is running thin.  My faith is extremely important to me and I feel God calling me to do more for Him, yet I feel like He hasn’t granted me the desires of my heart which makes me want to turn my back and do things my way.  Why should I do more for God when He isn’t doing more for me…that’s the question that resonates in my mind.  I know that’s not how I, as a Christian, should live or think, but I have to be honest with where I’ve been mentally.  In some ways I’ve been over it, but I’ve recently been reminded that being patient will carry one a long way.

Members of my church family have been praying every weekday morning during this Lenten Season.  As Resurrection Sunday approaches, we gathered tonight on Maundy Thursday to walk and share communion as a family at a local park.  As I was riding home, I was talking to the Lord about my frustrations with Him and my life and this thought was impressed upon my spirit…

Perhaps God continues to keep you in a holding pattern because you won’t let go of your need to be in control.  Perhaps God can’t do the amazing, impossible, and unbelievable in your life because you won’t take a faith step and just trust Him.  Perhaps you lack patience because you lack faith which prevents you from believing that eye hasn’t seen nor has ear heard all of the amazing things God can do in your life if you can just wait on Him.  Perhaps…it’s time to let go of your will and your desire to do things your way, and allow God to step in and work things out on your behalf in His time.  Why not give God a chance to prove Himself?

Well…there’s not much I can say to that!  So…I’ll try to real hard to be patient and trust God to be at work at my life in all things and through all things at all times!




Sweet Memories!

Mom Putt

Walking home…


Well, tomorrow marks one month since my grandmother passed away, and while I miss her and think about her EVERY single day, I have nothing but sweet memories.  I’m not bitter or angry about her death, it’s sometimes just hard to remember she’s not actually here.  I often find myself laughing about the conversations she and I would share…or thinking about what her response would be to some of the things I manage to do…or just wishing I could have one more conversation with her!  I didn’t know how I was going to respond to her death…I questioned whether I would be able to pull myself together and handle it, but God has given me amazing strength to keep my head up in this season.  But it sure is tough, Mom Putt has always just been there for me…I still remember she and my grandfather giving me one of my first bikes…a pink bike with training wheels and a white basket…I remember her fixing pancakes for breakfast whenever I asked as a child…when I broke off my engagement, it was Mom Putt who gave me a lasting poem, Grandmother’s Pearls of Wisdom, that still hangs on my refrigerator…whenever I got an award or was recognized for an accomplishment, I could always count on Mom Putt to be rooting for me…for my 21st birthday, Mom Putt was the first in the car as went to the slots to celebrate!  Even though Mom Putt had health challenges…she always supported me, there were several occasions where she came to my churches in Baltimore even though she didn’t feel well to hear me speak or support me at Usher’s Day.  Not long before she passed, she even asked me to bring her some pictures of my place because she didn’t she would be able to come visit me and see my house.  That’s the kind of grandmother she was to me.  She was honest with me even with the tough stuff (like nasty cancer!), but she always loved and supported me. Mom Putt was so special to me!

Although she was the youngest of her siblings, Mom Putt truly was the matriarch of my Dad’s family and she created a unique (and sometimes challenging) family.  The older I get, the more I realize that not everyone shared a similar experience.  It was normal for us to have  dinner as an entire family at least twice monthly, it was normal for my parents to drop off chicken or turkey wings or a pot roast in the morning for my grandmother and aunts to cook for us to share for a family dinner in the evening, it was normal for Mom Putt to welcome anyone who wanted to stop by her house on any given day to stay for a few hours, few days, or few months…that’s just the way it was.  There will never be another Mom Putt…she was a unique lady!

So, yes life is now different, it’s tough, it’s challenging, it’s not always easy, but it’s well!

I pray that Mom Putt’s soul is resting and Lord knows I hope she doesn’t have those ushers marching around heaven all day!

Until next time…

Free to be Vulnerable!

When I first started this blog, one of my goals was to be more open and honest with others about my life.  As I stated then, sharing my life with others is one of my weaknesses, I generally just do my thing and move on.  While I believe there’s a need to be protective of oneself, I also believe being overprotective can be damaging to growing meaningful interpersonal relationships.  Tonight I was reminded of my innate tendency to be excessively protective of myself.  I say excessively because I’m protective even with completely trustworthy people.

Long story short, I’ve been reading this book, The Circle Maker.  The church pastored by the author of the book owns a coffeehouse, Ebenezer’s Coffeehouse, in DC.  I had been thinking about going to check the place out with a friend, and casually mentioned this in passing to a circle of folks at church.  One of the individuals in the group mentioned that they would like to go to the coffeehouse with me.  Without even stopping to think, I responded…”Ummm…I was actually planning to go there on a date.”  While this was a true statement, afterwards, I felt bad about my response because I truly believe this person was reaching out to me in an effort to learn more about me, and grow our relationship, but I instantly shut her down.  The thing is, it wasn’t personal, nor was it meant in a malicious way, it was just my natural response.  I was protecting my time and space.  This is an individual whom I know, but not that well, and I just know that our coffeehouse conversation could make me feel exposed.  It’s not that I have anything to hide…it’s just that I like to control how far I let people into my space.  I guess it’s one of my defense mechanisms.

Anyways, when I got home, I started asking myself why am I such a loner, why am I so fearful of opening up and sharing my life with people, why do I generally think people don’t think highly of me or have my best interest at heart?  Despite knowing that I have surrounded myself by great people in every area of my life, I still struggle to be vulnerable to those closest to me.  This is a big deal.  I don’t have to be this protective of myself, yet I am!

So, it seems that perhaps it’s time to change this reality…much easier to say than do, I know, but it’s definitely possible to overcome this challenge.  It’s possible to open up and try to be vulnerable (again) especially with people whom I trust.  At the least, it’s never too late to try to overcome our greatest life struggles!  So, I’m going to push my date plans to the back burner momentarily…there are always other places we can go…and revisit the idea of having a potentially vulnerable conversation with a church friend over a cup of tea (since I don’t even drink coffee)!

Until next time…


Stir Crazy!!!!!!!

I have no idea how people can sit in the house and do nothing for multiple days at a time!  I unfortunately caught the flu, despite getting the vaccine, over the weekend, and I’ve been in the house since Sunday afternoon.  Yes, I had to go out to the doctor and the store to pick up some juice and soup, but for the most part I’ve been in the house.  In case no one ever told you this, “Staying inside is for the birds”!  I’m ready to get out of here!

These 3 days inside have confirmed that I like to be out and about enjoying life.  I frequently  complain about having too much to do and always being tired and such, but I would take that over being in the house any day!  I’m so sick of sleeping, reading, and walking in circles!  Technically, I could have spent these days finishing up some books, but instead, I spent yesterday and today thinking about how inconvenient the flu is.  Monday I was so sick and had no desire to move out of the bed…not even to take meds, but the story is quite different now.  Today’s frustration…how will the flu impact my ability to start my 5K season (which really isn’t that extensive) in May?  Since treadmill running is very different from completing an outdoor race, I feel like I need a solid 8 weeks to do outdoor runs to feel comfortable for race day.  This flu has messed that all up…hopefully, I’ll be fully recovered within two weeks or so and can get running outside!  True enough there are other things I can do to slowly prepare for my first race of the year, but that wasn’t a part of my plan!  We all know MY plan is the most important plan!  LOL!  I’m always learning that’s far from the true…

Anywho…I’m just glad I just had a touch of the flu.  It could have been much worse.  And best of all…tomorrow, I will be up and out of the house!!!!